Rethinking Toughness: Why Today’s Athletes Aren’t Soft, They’re Smarter

By Mike Murray, The Lifelong Swim Coach

If you’ve been around youth sports long enough, you’ve probably heard the refrain:

“Kids today are soft.”

“They don’t want to work.”
“They can’t handle the grind.”

It’s a familiar complaint, one whispered in locker rooms, muttered poolside, or stated bluntly in coaches’ meetings. But lately, I’ve found myself questioning it.

As a coach and athletic director, I’ve worked with hundreds of young athletes, and I can’t help but wonder: Are today’s student-athletes actually less tough, or are we viewing them through a lens clouded by nostalgia and bias?

The Generational Echo: What We Learned from Our Coaches

Most of us in coaching were shaped by a generation that defined toughness differently. We grew up under hard-nosed mentors, coaches who believed discipline came through discomfort, and whose idea of “mental toughness” often meant pushing through pain without question.

We remember the two-hour practices that went long, the sets we weren’t allowed to question, and the fear-based motivation that somehow built both discipline and dread. Those experiences shaped us. And now, consciously or not, they shape how we judge the next generation.

But here’s the truth that’s hard to admit: many of us equate our own suffering with “development.” We see a kid speak up, take a mental break, or admit burnout, and we label it softness.

Yet, from an SEL (Social-Emotional Learning) perspective, what we’re often seeing isn’t weakness, it’s awareness.

The Myth of “Softness” and the Reality of Pressure

When we look closer, today’s athletes face different pressures, not fewer.

The social and academic expectations placed on them are enormous. They navigate constant digital comparison, perfectionism amplified by social media, and year-round specialization that leaves little time for recovery. The fear of falling behind starts at age nine.

The data backs this up:

• A 2023 NCAA survey found that over 70% of college athletes reported mental exhaustion, and over half said they’d felt overwhelming anxiety within the past month.
  
  
• A CDC study (2022) revealed that high school athletes now report higher rates of depression and anxiety than at any point in the last two decades.
  
  
• USA Swimming’s own research into age-group burnout shows that overemphasis on early success correlates with higher dropout rates and diminished long-term motivation.
  
  

So, maybe it’s not that today’s swimmers “aren’t tough.” Maybe they’re just carrying more, internally and externally, than we ever did.

Reframing Toughness: From Silence to Self-Awareness

Toughness isn’t about ignoring pain or emotion. It’s about managing it. It’s about showing up, with honesty, when things are hard.

When a young athlete admits they’re anxious before a race, they’re not being soft, they’re being human. When they ask for clarity in training goals, they’re not questioning authority, they’re trying to understand purpose. And when they advocate for rest, they’re not quitting, they’re seeking sustainability.

The modern coach’s challenge is to expand our definition of toughness beyond grit and stoicism. Emotional regulation, communication, and self-awareness are toughness skills, and the best coaches are teaching those, not dismissing them.

Ron Aitken (Sandpipers of Nevada) once said that the key to long-term development is not intensity, but consistency. That consistency, day after day, month after month, is a more demanding form of toughness than any single gut-wrenching practice.

How Coaches Create the “Softness” Bias

Many of our biases come from the stories we tell ourselves about our own development:

“I turned out fine.”
“My coach was hard on me, and it made me tough.”

But when we glorify that model, we risk perpetuating emotional disconnection. We begin to see empathy as indulgence and communication as defiance.

In truth, modern athletes often crave structure and discipline; they just need it framed with context and care. They want to know why the set matters, how it fits their goals, and what it means in the bigger picture.

If we fail to provide that, we lose them, not because they’re soft, but because we didn’t adapt.

Practical Shifts Coaches Can Make

Here’s what coaches and team leaders can do to strengthen connection without lowering standards:

1. Redefine “Tough.”
   Replace “push harder” with “stay engaged.” Recognize consistency, focus, and attitude as forms of toughness equal to endurance or speed.
   
   
2. Model Emotional Balance.
   A calm, composed coach builds resilience more than one who yells under stress. Emotional stability is leadership toughness.
   
   
3. Embrace Two-Way Communication.
   Feedback should flow in both directions. Ask your swimmers what’s working, what isn’t, and what they need to perform best.
   
   
4. Teach Recovery as a Skill.
   Mental and physical rest are performance tools, not signs of laziness. Encourage athletes to balance output with recharge.
   
   
5. Celebrate Process Over Outcome.
   Just like we do in age-group progression, celebrate effort, form, pacing, or technique mastery before meet results.
   
   

What We Might Be Missing

I sometimes think about the irony that while coaches claim this generation is soft, many of these same young people are balancing school, travel meets, social pressure, and the noise of a 24/7 digital world, while still chasing excellence in sport.

That doesn’t sound soft to me. That sounds resilient.

They’re not weaker, they’re just wired differently. And our ability to recognize that may determine how effectively we lead them.

Reclaiming Our Role as Mentors

The best coaches in the country, names like Chris Plumb, Ron Aiken, and Carol Capitani, talk about “coaching the person, not just the athlete.” They understand that connection drives compliance.

So, when we say “kids today are soft,” maybe what we really mean is “kids today are different.” And that’s okay. It’s our job to meet them where they are, not where we were.

If we do that, maybe the next generation of swimmers won’t just be tough, they’ll be whole.