There’s no perfect way to say this: I’ve screwed up a lot in my life..
Being a full-time swim coach goes beyond just a job; it becomes a way of life that can consume our entire being. The hours are often long and exhausting. Travel commitments are usually frequent and poorly scheduled. The responsibilities linked to our role can seem endless. When fatherhood, partnership, and family duties are added into the mix, coaches might feel caught between two demanding worlds that require total dedication, effort, and involvement.
Admittedly, I have never navigated these worlds successfully. I have missed important moments at home because of practices, meets, or speaking engagements. I have let exhaustion and stress wear down my patience with my children, stepchildren, and fiancé. I have dedicated myself so fully to my athletes that, at times, my own family only received the leftovers of my energy. There have been moments when I felt I was failing in both roles, when guilt hit so hard that I doubted whether my life had become a pursuit of professional success at the expense of those who matter most.
Throughout my career, in pursuit of what my good friend Mark Hesse calls “the almighty fast swim,” championships, recognition, and professional advancement, I have made choices that compromised relationships, undermined trust, and, at times, challenged my own integrity. These decisions caused real damage to people who cared about me, and in many cases, those relationships may never be fully restored.
Recognizing these missteps is painful, but it has been essential in shaping my understanding of what truly matters both on and off the pool deck.
Here is the paradox: the very demands that make coaching tiring are also what sustain me. Working with young athletes, watching their struggles, celebrating their progress, and seeing them grow into confident, capable individuals reaffirms the core purpose of my work. Coaching pulls me out of myself. It requires presence, attentiveness, and a genuine investment in helping another person grow. These experiences, in turn, teach me important lessons about patience, empathy, and resilience that influence my role as a father.
It feels good to know that you matter to the people who matter, your children, spouse, athletes, and staff...
The duality of coaching and parenting can be harsh and unforgiving. There is a constant tension between these roles, and one inevitably feels absent in one space or another. I have come to understand, however, that the goal is not to achieve a mythical balance. The objective is to keep showing up, to learn from failures, to repair the moments when we fall short, and to demonstrate to our children the value of persistence and accountability.
I don't claim to have any answers, and I'm certainly no role model. I am committed to continuous learning and will remain so. I accept that the complexity, mistakes, and ongoing balancing act between coaching and parenting give both roles their purpose. Being fully engaged in either involves stumbling, falling short, and growing in meaningful ways.
I have failed many times, but I’ve also had the incredible opportunity to coach young people while raising my own children. Despite these imperfections, I’ve found purpose, gained perspective, and experienced deep fulfillment.
Follow this blog every week as I continue to explore the challenges, lessons, and rewards of balancing coaching, parenting, and personal growth. I'm not an expert, but I'm comfortable being an example of what not to do...
—Mike Murray